Top Five Things That Will Kill You in Florida

Florida has some dangers that are much different than Boise. I’ll cover Boise in a latr post, but below are the top five things that can kill you in Florida.

 

#1 People shooting you.

Literally every person in Florida has at least 12 guns. When you relocate to the state you get a free AR-15 with your driver’s license. Florida has the
Shoot First Rule which means if you are afraid for your life, of losing a decent parking space, or need to merge into traffic you are allowed to shoot first. Sometimes it is best to just shoot first whenever you encounter a deadly situation, such as a long line in Starbucks.

 

#2 Alligators

Alligators are prehistoric predators that could eat a mountain lion as an hors d’oeuvre before grabbing the leg of a Canadian tourist trying to feed him a snicker bar. These suckers can weight up to 1,000 pounds and grow to 14 feet in length. (The alligator, not the Canadian tourist.) Their teeth are the size of kitchen appliances. Considering there are close to 2 million alligators residing in Florida, at least 300 of them with Florida driving licenses, two holding public office, if you approach any type of fresh water in Florida, be it a canal, a lake, a river, a swamp or a deep mud puddle, hide your snicker bars!

 

#3 Being run over by a car.

You stand an excellent chance of bring driven over by an automobile or RV as you cross the street, walk along the sidewalk, are in a store or in your house. The concept that roads are for cars is considered bias against drivers, limited and restrictive of liberty. Besides, many people in South Florida are from countries or planets where they are not familiar with the theory of roads and highways at all. (Haiti, I am poking my finger toward you!). Your best bet is to never get out of your car.

 

#4 Puss Caterpillars  

These are fluffy and cute looking caterpillars that should you even slightly brush against one will cause enough pain to blow puss out your ears. The pain as been described as incapacitating and more painful than losing an election to Donald Trump!

 

#4. Lightning  Essentially, this is evidence that God hates Florida and has been trying to zap it out of existence. In the mere 18 months that I have lived in Boise I have not seen lightning once. In Florida, there is always a gigantic bolt of electricity smacking into Florida somewhere. I personally have dodged lightning strikes on three occasions, where the blinding flash of the lightning bolt and the ear drum shattering sound of thunder happened simultaneously, which caused me to change my underwear. No place anywhere in the USA has more ground lightning strikes than Florida.

 

 

 #5 Sinkholes   Florida is essentially one giant slab of limestone. As the surface limestone dissolves due to water, fertilizers, gigantic alligators chewing on them, the limestone surface vanishes and everything on top of it falls hundreds of feet into the earth. Cars, houses, RVs and people disappears only to appear on Reality TV shows years later.

 

So, if you visit Florida make sure you bring your guns, don’t touch anything, don’t go outside, wear sneakers so you can dodge the cars and never, ever carry snicker bars near water.

-AFIB

Cultural Diversity

Whoa, hiking into dangerous territory here! However, I could not write about the differences between Florida and Boise without discussing this topic. Thankfully, as I have only 3 readers (if I count one of my cats) I think I’ll be safe.

You see, much of Florida, especially the southeast coast, has endured many visits from space aliens from all over the Milky Way Galaxy.  And no one noticed. Ever. Sure, the guy in the fancy South Beach club may have three noses, two on his face and one on his left elbow, but due to the extreme diversity in Florida, no one cares. Just another person. Granted, when he downs his beer through his elbow nose people may look, but no one is going to judge. That is the diversity of South Florida. Sasquatch actually live in South Beach, and one of them spins records for a local club.

See the latest demographic chart released by DIPROOMB. (Data I pulled right out of my butt.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boise’s demographic analysis produced by the same fine technique shows this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The diversity in Boise is so faint that when anyone slightly different shows up, they stick out like a nose on your elbow! While in Florida a trans-humanoid Ogre roller skating naked down the highway wouldn’t even capture a single look from anyone, an Italian in Boise can stop traffic. Granted, most Italians are naturally so awesome that is a common occurrence, but I think you get my point.

A side effect of this is that English is spoken everywhere.  In Florida I had to learn Klingon to order a coffee, and often failed miserably at that. Who knew that Hab SoSlI’ Quch meant “Your mother has a smooth forehead” and that it was such an insult?

Boise has some awesome restaurants, and they all serve huge slabs of meat, and of course, gigantic Idaho Potatoes! Meat and Potatoes is a religion here. There are a few Chinese, Mexican, Thai and of course, Basque eateries, but compared to South Florida where literally every nationality, culture and solar system is represented, well, there is no comparison. Sure you can order meat and potatoes, but also snails, alligator, insects, spiced tongue and about a million other “delicacies”.

As someone who grew up in a very diverse environment, where white English speaking Americans were the minority, the sheer ocean of white people in Boise is stunning to me. In some ways it is interesting, but in other ways the lack of color and beautiful languages is a negative. To me.

Your mileage may vary. No animals were injured in this production. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

-AFIB

Parking Lots

I have pointed out previously that in Boise people actually try to not run pedestrians over.  In South Florida it is a sporting event to cross a parking lot. One pedestrians often lose. But that is not all that is different between Boise and South Florida. Another example is parking spaces. In Boise you can usually find a close parking spot. Often even the first spot, closest to the store. But usually no more than five to ten spots away. Granted, Saturday at WinCo day before a BSU game you might have to park further away.

South Florida? You would think since that 73% of all of Miami and Fort Lauderdale is parking lots, that locating one would be easy. It isn’t. Parking in South Florida is almost impossible, even with the massive automatic mechanical parking garages they are constructing every day.

These are ten stories or higher parking garages that only use elevators to park the cars. You drop the car off, the valet drives it onto the elevator and delivers it to a spot several stories up. Sometimes things can go wrong, like the car that somehow rolled toward the open elevator shaft last week in Miami and then sailed nine stories down to the bottom. Yes, this being Miami, it then exploded in a ball of fire. Story is here.

Often when I lived there I took the trolley from the back of the parking lot to the front door. Yes, parking is nearly impossible in South Florida.

But Boise? Piece of cake.

Shopping carts.  In Boise, everyone after dumping their groceries into their gigantic 11 ton pick-up truck will then push their grocery cart into a storage spot for them. Everyone. I never seen a random wild cart anywhere but in the store or the retrieval centers.

Compare this to South Florida, where most people kick their cart with all their might out into traffic. If it hits a few cars, that scores five points. If it knocks an elderly woman down, 15 points! Often times I could not drive through the parking lots because they are filled with a herd of metal carts.

Another problem in Florida is stolen shopping carts. Many people just keep walking with their groceries until they get home. Some even drive off with the cart! The problem has become so serious that many stores have installed electronic locks on their grocery carts. If the cart goes beyond a specific line in the parking lot, the anti-theft device cuts in. In some cases, the wheels just lock. In other cases, a bolt of electricity fires into the hands of the cart thieve, who then often falls over into traffic. Twenty point bonus!

Last but not least, people in Boise park their vehicles in one parking spot, between the lines. Odd. In Florida many people park over two spots at an angle to avoid anyone accidentally chipping their paint with their doors. So, if there are 500 parking spots, often only 250 cars will fill it up.

So, the huge difference between parking lots in Boise and parking lots in South Florida is that the ones in Boise you can actually park in! And walk across the lot in safety. Granted it is very boring compared to the competitive parking situation in South Florida, but I am growing used to it.